JUNE CONTINUES and what a beautiful day!

Wednesday, June 23rd

   I love that photo of the sun setting over Paducah, last night. :)  You just can't beat that!!!!  One of the reasons I love it around here so much, there are plenty of beautiful beautiful sunsets!

  This has been about the most bumpy 2 or 3 months.  I don't think I EVER dreamed how difficult this would all be.  Moving out of Canada, away from almost all of my friends.  It has been hard to meet new people.

  I have had to make a lot of decisions about who my friends are going to be around here and I have had to walk away from several relationships that just were not healthy for me.  This has been difficult, at best.  But necessary even at the price of great heartache.

  The first several weeks or so were spent being sick on Paxil and other medicine and mixing it with some drinking.  Those were bad decisions.  I am struggling. 

  Thankfully I am off ALL of that.

  Going to N.A. the other night was a GREAT decision.  I am looking forward to meeting with this new counselor today. I have high hopes that I will like her.  We shall see.

  Being drug free feels GREAT by the way :) it has been a LONG road to get to where I am today.  It tooks years to remove myself from one drug or another - it has been a process.  And really for the first time, since 1998, I feel like I am able to stay away from all of that.  Even though things are stressful and I am under a lot of pressure.  I have not felt the need to use.  So this is good, but I am not stupid, I know that doesn't mean I won't have temptations.  I can't let me guard down, because I know what would happen.  I have to just keep moving forward and keep going down the path that David and others have worked so hard for me to find.

  There is a lot going on right now and I guess I am under a lot more stress than I realize, which is killing my sleep.  Hopefully this will correct itself soon not sure how to help the situation.  The last five days have been LONG, with little sleep.  When I try to sleep, well it just doesn't happen.  I slept about 1 1/2 hours last night errr that would be Monday night and now looking at the clock, well it is almost 1:30 a.m. again.  I SHOULD BE TIRED.  ONE WOULD THINK.

  I hope my sleep cycle gets back in synch.  This is not helping with my battle against depression.  I don't do well when I don't get my sleep. 

  I am going to see Harry Potter tonight with a couple of friends.  I am pretty excited about that.  I have read most of the books and I LOVE THE MOVIES!!!

  OK, more later, need to sleeeeeeepppppp  sleeeeepppppp

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  I fell asleep at 5 a.m. but I did sleep till 12.  Soooooo that is ok I GUESS. :)  Better than nothing!

  I have to hurry now and get ready to go see this new counselor and then run errands!

More later....

Sunny outside :) :) :)

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I held her in my arms
trembling...both of us
I held her head against my chest
and I whispered into her ear...it will be ok
shhhh it will be ok, I rocked her back and forth

---------------

  I shook Rick, I said wake up, we are here, we are finally here.  After days of riding that bus, after so many hours...the sun rising and setting - we had finally arrived.  He was home, I was with him. 
We were now deep in the heart of Mexico.
We had fled Acapulco for fear that we were not safe there

  I looked around and saw hills and mountains, they looked almost like volcanoes - poking up out of the desert, among the boulders and cliffs.

This was Monterrey, this was his home.  This is where his family lived
his mother
his sister

We stepped off the bus, the sun was blazing and immediately the heat from the pavement swept over the both of us, like a furnace - like fire

It was blistering, the temperature read 120 degrees, and it felt like every bit of it.  I tried to breathe the air in - but it was suffocating

We walked and looked for our bags, finding them we then started to walk into the city. 
This was not Acapulco, this was Mexico
the real Mexico - hidden from most of the world
There were no tourist spots here, there was no ocean, no beach

We walked past a fountain, our shoes burning from the heat of the pavement.  I asked how much further...he said not far. 

As we walked down the street, we passed many houses
some without roofs
sheet metal covered the windows, steel bars made many a door. 

Finally we arrived at his house, where his mother lived, where his little sister lived.  She was tiny...just a little girl, perhaps four - maybe 5 years old.  I thought about my nieces and my nephews and how much I already missed them.

He spoke out in Spanish upon arriving, hugging his little sister and throwing a kiss to his mom. 

He spoke in his language, and then in mine.  His mother greeted me and we chatted - what about I do not remember.  But she smiled and made me feel welcome.

I did not know what story he had told her, whether she knew why we were there or really what she thought of me.  All I know is that she knew who I was and she knew I would take care of her son.  Anything else, any more didn't seem to really matter to her.  She only wanted to know that I would be there for him,
and so I promised her the same promise I made to him -  I would do my best to take care of him.  And so I did.

As night fell, the heat of the day remained.  The air, it did not move, sweat covered your body - it was as much as one could tolerate.

In the living room and adjacent to it, we made our beds - our pallets.  The little girl, his sister would sleep next to him.  I would sleep in the bed next to the two of them. 
Sleep would not come easy, I was in a foreign land, I did not know what the next day would bring., I did not know how long we would stay

I do not know what time it was
it was late...very late
it was the wee hours of the morning
when we heard the screams.  Startled awake, fear ran through my body
what was happening, who was screaming
then trying to make sense of what was going on, I quickly looked around and rose up from my bed.   There was yelling, loud yelling, a woman was screaming - a man was shouting, glass was breaking.  I could hear the roar of an engine outside the house, a horn honked and honked

I could not understand her words, they were in Spanish but I knew what they meant by the tone.
I did not need to know this language, to know that something was terribly wrong

It was all a blu, like a nightmare but yet real...very real

Rick quickly got up and ran into the living room adjacent to where we slept and started yelling in Spanish. I grabbed the little girl and covered her with my arms and knelt in the corner beside her bed.  Not knowing what was happening, not knowing if these were robbers, only knowing that there were screams.  I feared for my life, for all of us

I held her in my arms
trembling, both of us
I held her head against my chest
and I whispered into her ear, it will be ok
shhhh it will be ok...I rocked her back and forth

She did not cry, she did not move, she did say a word.  She simply leaned into my body and looked into my eyes
they were sad
I held her tighter, protecting her from whatever it was that was  going to happen.

Rick screamed, get out...parar...parar...stop...stop...ir...ir...ir...go go go

I did not know what was happening, the cold boney fingers of fear gripped me even more
I started to rock the little girl back and forth, holding her with every ounce of strength that I could trying to make her feel safer
Trying to not show her my fear

Rick returned, with his mother, blood dripping onto the floor, glass everywhere.  I asked "what is happening...what is going on"

He said nothing at first, speaking to his mother in Spanish - then in English

I could sense his anger, his fear, his sadness all wrapped into one

I said again, with more force..."what is it, what is happening"

it was his mothers boyfriend, it was his mothers friends, it was someone in her life.  I do not know who
there was a fight, he tried to get in, what he wanted I do not know
the steel bars of the door was all that stood between him and Ricks mother

His mother was cut, either on purpose or by her own hands, or by the one who came to get her
I do not know.  Her hands, her arms they bled.

The little girl, in my arms, she did not cry.  She did not show emotion, she simply was there

It took me awhile
to figure out why, why she did not cry

But at that moment
that moment that I did realize why
I felt great sadness...I cried
For the little girl, she was used to this, this was normal, this had all happened before. 
This is why she did not cry

---------------

Beautiful Sadness

  One of my heroes is gone, into the arms of the angels, where he will find comfort

  Surely the Gates of Heaven are not big enough for this little boy.

  Heaven smiles tonight, the angels are singing, and Mattie is dancing!

Poet Mattie Stepanek, 13
 

  Oh this is so sad, but yet not, because this is the day that Mattie always talked about, was waiting for. 

  Mattie, Mattie, Mattie - may Heaven shine down on you
  You can not be replaced, your words, your poems they are sprinkled all over 19 Earl Street
  They are here in this apartment
  they are mingled within this web page, they cover our memory books
  they are with my friends and my family

  your words they have made me smile, laugh, and cry

  How wise you were, you were truly a peace maker, that is what you said you wanted to be

  Now...finally...you will find your peace, and you will join your brothers and sisters...those who have gone before you. 
  Now you can dance again, with each one of them.

 

---------------------------------------

Mattie wrote

Prayer For A Journey

Thank You, God,
Not just for life,
But for the journey through life
Life is a miracle,
And a journey through life
Is so full of so many more miracles
If we travel with our Heartsongs,
Thank you, God
For blessing me with the
Gift of Heartsongs,
So that I can enjoy my miracles.

---------------------------------------

---------------------------------------

Mattie wrote...

About the Weeping Willow Tree

The weeping willow is such a sad, sad tree.

But it's also a beautiful and graceful tree.

Weeping willows are probably sad

when they are remembering things.

Like maybe one of their brother or sister seeds

grew into a tree that was cut down.

One day or one year, and they don't know why

Weeping willows are like people who are sad.

With drooping branches and leaves and woods.

Weeping willows are beautiful like people, too.

Beautiful like a rainbow-tree-because of the shape

Their branches bend and slide over and down.

Like little Heaven-tears and wishing-leaves

That fall gently down from the sky to

the tree to the earth and the people.

Sometimes I am a weeping willow tree

especially when I don't understand

what I'm feeling or why things happen.

Like when people are mean or

like when brothers and sisters die or

like when God makes people with disabilities.

I don't like the feeling like a weeping willow tree.

But sometimes. it's okay to feel that way, too,

Weeping willow trees are special and gentle

And sometimes sad things are beautiful.

Just like sometimes happy things make us cry
 

--------------------------

--------------------------

On Being a Champion...Mattie wrote

A Champion is a winner,
A hero...
Someone who never gives up
Even when the going gets rough.
A champion is a member of
A winning team...
Someone who overcomes challenges
Even when it requires creative solutions.
A champion is an optimist,
A hopeful spirit...
Someone who plays the game,
Even when the game is called life.
There can be a champion in each of us,
If we live as a winner,
If we live as a member of the team,
If we live with a hopeful spirit,
For Life.

---------------------------------------

  In the words of Mattie...

  "I've always wanted to be a peacemaker, and I wanted to spread peace in my writing," he said. "Violence is not the answer. Nowadays, we're fighting over little things that in the great scheme of life don't matter … Our war on terrorism should be won with words, not bombs."

  Looking for the Good Side

  On Sept. 11, Mattie watched, along with everyone else, as the world changed forever.

  "I was sad. I was crying. It was scary," he said. "Especially when the building fell down on the firefighters." Mattie had met several New York City firefighters at a charity softball tournament for muscular dystrophy. Three of Mattie's friends perished on Sept. 11.

  Mattie cried when he saw what happened on TV, and kept looking for firefighters he knew on the screen. But as is typical of Mattie, he also began looking for the good.

  "Even though it was sad, people should celebrate life no matter how bad it seems … there's always something beautiful that you can find," he said.

  Mattie said poetry is a helpful and beautiful way to express feelings, whether they are angry, sad, happy or scared feelings. "You can share it with others, so that they can feel better when they're in those positions," he said. "We all have life storms, and when we get through them or recover from them we should celebrate that we got through it instead of just mourning and waiting for the next one to come along and wipe us out again.

---------------------------------------

FOR OUR WORLD
We need to stop.
Just stop.
Stop for a moment…
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
 Silent for a moment…
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment…
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice…
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment…
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.

Mattie - September 12, 2001
 

The days they pass us by
like a stream flowing down from the snow capped mountains
Not stopping for man or beast
rushing over the falls...faster and faster it goes
escaping from our clutches - no matter how hard we try
it just flies on by

Does it ever slow
does it ever stop
can a prayer bring back yesterday
can a prayer bring back today

There is never enough time...to say all that we have to say
to each person in our life
we try to slow down just enough to say hi
we try to slow down just enough to say I love you
we try to slow down

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY :)

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Email:  beaudodson @ usawx.com  (remove spaces)