June 18, 2004

I see my reflection
I see my reflection
I see my reflection, I don't like what I see
I see my reflection

I'm losing my way
I need someone to find me
and do me right and keep me safe from harm

I need protection
to find me a way out
Somebody to hold me
so I see the day out
To the night and keep me safe from harm

I see my reflection, I don't like what I see
I'm losing my way
I need someone to find me
And do me right and keep me safe from harm

I need protection
to find me a way out
Somebody to hold me
so I see the day out
To the night and keep me safe from harm

I'm losing my way.. I'm losing my way..
I'm losing my way, I need someone to find me
I'm losing my way way.. I need someone to find me

I'm losing my way, I need someone to find me
I'm losing my way
I'm losing my way, I need someone to find me,
and do me right and keep me safe from harm

 
I see my reflection
I don't like what I see

 
I'm losing my way
I need someone to find me
and do me right and keep me safe from harm

---------------------

Very intense storm heading towards Paducah

Here we go AGAIN!  This is the third week of severe storms

Stormy stormy stormy stormy

OMINOUS CLOUD OVER LONE OAK, PADUCAH, KENTUCKY

REPORTS OF DAMAGE ACROSS SOUTHERN ILLINOIS, SOUTHEAST MISSOURI, AND WEST KENTUCKY.

REPORTS OF BASEBALL SIZE HAIL IN PORTIONS OF JOHNSON AND MASSAC COUNTIES

REPORTS OF CAR FLOATING OFF THE ROAD IN MASSAC COUNTY

REPORTS OF WIND DAMAGE, TREES DOWN IN METROPOLIS AND MASSAC COUNTY

REPORTS OF SOME WIND DAMAGE IN THE LONE OAK AREA, WEST KENTUCKY (PADUCAH)

FLASH FLOOD WARNINGS FOR ALL THE COUNTIES AROUND PADUCAH, INCLUDING PADUCAH

THIS IS WEEK THREE FOR SEVERE WEATHER!

MORE SEVERE WEATHER LIKELY INTO NEXT WEEK.

Saturday, June 19

  Today is Saturday, had I been in Toronto I would have been with Keri and at a wedding.  I know Keri and everyone is disappointed that I didn't make it up there.  Tomorrow is Erick's big day, as he has his CD Release. :)  I wish I was there to hear that, I know it will be GREAT.

  He has named the CD Twister

  Hopefully I will get a copy soon. :) 

  Hmmm, what else is new.  Norman is doing good, as I have talked with him online a few times.  Things are going well for him and we are all happy about that. :)

  I have not talked with anyone else.

  It was cooler here today, for once!  More storms are on the way though, Sunday Night into Tuesday.  Could be more severe weather and heavy rain.

The music plays
the notes
they float through the air like bubbles
slowly drifting away

We dance
as an emotion

Slowly to the beat of the drum
we dance

We close our eyes
We imagine another world
We drift away into the notes, into the music, into
the song

For a time we are lost
as if in another time, another place
caught up in the moment, in the movement
in the dance

We are reminded of years gone past
a time of innocence
a time of peace

We forget about today
We forget about tomorrow
for now
we dance

and

The music plays
the notes
they float through the air, like bubbles
slowly drifting away

- beau

------------------------------

Monday, June 21st

You know, I never realized how easy it is to lose yourself
to become absorbed with everything around you
to try to be something for someone else
How easy it is to give up yourself, in order to be "something" or "someone"
in order to forget the reality around us
to lose yourself in the madness
to lose yourself in the chaos of everyday life
how easy it is

We become so
      so fragile inside
we concern ourselves with how someone else might see us
might think about us
we forget to just be who we were meant to be, nothing more
nothing less
 

It is easy you know, to become someone else
I have had to do it many times
in order just to survive, in order to just make it to the next day
the other side

We wear this mask and that mask and somehow we forget
we forget who we really are
we forget what makes us us

And when we lose ourselves we take away from this world, the very purpose we were put here for
somehow we cause a quake, a quake that rumbles through the halls of Heaven
we "mess" with destiny, we risk changing the course of the way things are or were supposed to be
we lose ourselves

Once you are lost, it is not easy to find yourself again
it becomes harder and harder each time you try

Oh you get flashes of reality, of truth, flashes of who you were or who you are
you struggle to find your way back
to where you are or were supposed to be

It is that "road less traveled" that Robert Frost talked about in his poem
that road less traveled is where we are supposed to be
but most of the time we try to take other paths or "shortcuts"

for some reason
we make it difficult on ourselves
by trying to be something we are not
by trying to be someone else

I can remember my first few nights in Acapulco
How scared I was, how lonely I was, how sad I was
I remember how lost I felt
I waited for days on Rick to arrive, phoning his house, not being able to speak Spanish and trying to communicate with his mother
I was alone in another world, another country, another land
I was alone until Rick arrived to join me on this journey out of America and into the wilderness

Sitting on the beach in Acapulco, wondering how we were ever going to make it
How we were going to find work
How we were going to eat the next day
It was difficult and I had to put up all of these walls in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind

Walls
trying to hold back the thoughts of what was going on back home
Walls
trying to hold back the thought of what was going to happen to the both of us
always worrying about yesterday, thinking about today, and pushing away tomorrow

Who knew
Who knew where we would be four years down the road
I never thought we would make it
I never thought we would be alive

Taking a bus from Acapulco to Monterey, Mexico, through the day and into the night, we rode that bus
boarded in the middle of the desert by military men carrying machine guns
Me trying to ask Rick, what was going on and Rick trying to tell me that this is normal
not to worry

It wasn't hard for me to lose myself in Mexico
because I was lost

But I survived, we survived, and we made it to the next day
we did this because we had to what other choice did we have
and those days that I could just not go on any further
well
those days I did it for Rick

Life was simple back then, one might laugh at that, and wonder aloud - How could life be simple when you are on the run
How can life be anything other than complete chaos
 

I don't have the answer for that, perhaps it was the Grace of God
all I know is what I know
and what it was
and how simple it all seemed
 

We were true, you know
we were true to each other
we cried together, we laughed together, and we fought together
but we always made it
to see another sunrise
          another sunset

I think back on all that I have been through
all the pain these eyes have seen
all the hurt this heart has felt

Through it all, one thing has not changed
and that is me, that which makes me me, that which makes me find hope when all hope is gone
that which makes me fight when others retreat
that which makes me stand when others fall

I am not special, I am not alone
my friends, they are the same way, always taking one more step - forward
I learn from each of them, keep moving forward - no matter what the cost, how difficult the journey
how alone you might feel, just keep moving forward

I doubt I will ever be what I want to be
that will have to wait till this life is over
perhaps another world, another place, another time
but in the meanwhile I will just be me, whatever that is, whoever that is
I will just be me, true to myself - if no one else

Monday, June 21st

  And make no mistake about it this time around I am going to protect my heart and I don't really care how that will impact anyone else. 

  I am going to my first N.A. Meeting tonight. :)  It is down the street from here, so I am kinda excited about that.  Not sure what to expect though.

  (info on N.A. can be found here  CLICK HERE )

  I also have a new counselor and will be seeing her on Wednesday. :)

  Going to the Ham Shack tomorrow with one of my friends, that is in Evansville. :)  Checking out some scanner equipment.

  Then going to see HARRY POTTER on Wednesday Night with my friend Bobby and maybe Quinton or his girlfriend.

  Then going to Tennessee to see a movie this weekend. :)  with a new friend, Dustin.

  Otherwise, trying to get stuff done for the house, for mothers house, and everything else that life is bringing my way. :)

Tuesday, June 22nd

  Happy happy:) suuurrrreeeeeee :)

  So I went to my first N.A. Meeting last night. :)  Nobody asked me to go or made me go, I just decided it was probably something I should do.  :)  I am proud of myself for going and it is just another step along the way that needed to be taken.  :)

  I really did not know what to expect, but it was interesting.  There were about 30 people there and the meetings are held in the basement of  a church.  Most of the meeting was people telling about their week and how they have been drug free. :) 

  I didn't say anything, being shy and all. :) 

  Today I am going to Evansville with one of my friends, we are going to the Ham Radio Shack to look at scanners and get some other information about a radio tower. :)  Should be a fun trip!

  I still have to figure out what I am doing for 4th of July. :)  I might go somewhere with my friend Dustin.