Welcome
- This Is My Journey
Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
Black Tuesday
- A tornado has hit my community. My heart breaks. I am in
Toronto and I have to find a way to get home. This is going to be a long
journey to get through the next few months and perhaps year, but I have to
return home. I no longer have a choice. The time has come for me to
confront that which has kept me in this cage, for so many years. This will
be the beginning of that journey. I do not know how long I will keep this
journal. I do not know if it will last a week, a month, or a year. I
just know that I need to write down my feelings, my journey. I need to
keep track of where I have been. If for nothing else then to remind me of
my past and where I have been. To remind me that I can
make it through difficult times. Perhaps this will be a story that will
one day encourage someone else - inspire them to hang on.
My heart goes out to all of those who have been impacted by this horrible tornado. There are unimaginable stories coming out of Pulaski, Massac, and Pope Counties in Southern Illinois. I have to find a way to help. I have to find a way to get home. That is easier said than done for me. I have not been home since the year 2000. I have not seen my family for three years. They thought I was dead. But now is the time to bring this story of a family torn apart to an end. Now is the time to stop running.
THE MASSAC COUNTY TORNADO PAGE - FROM MY FAMILIES
VIEW
The storm reports from today. This has been a
severe outbreak. The red dots are tornadoes,
the green dots are hail, and the blue dots are wind damage. Clearly
Missouri has been struck
hard.
This is the tornado as it hit my county back home
in Illinois. This is about 1/2 mile
north of my old farm place. Where I grew up. It will be
awhile before we know the
strength of the tornado. I wouldn't be surprised if it was rated an
F4 or F5.
Thursday, May 8th, 2003 -
My Birthday
I have called Pastor Keplinger and asked him to help me with some projects for
the hard hit areas of Pulaski, Massac, and Pope Counties. We are going to
approach this from multiple angles. Hopefully we will be able to help a
few people.
We will send 1200 teddy bears to all the children in grades Head Start through 2nd. This will be in Pulaski, Massac, and Pope Counties of Southern Illinois. The bears will be part of the healing process. This seemed to work well after the Birmingham, Alabama tornado back in the '90s. A lot of parents and teachers said that the kids would hang onto their bears every time a storm approached. It gave them comfort and a sense of security.
I guess I should say
that I (we) collected, with the help of WPSD TV 6, hundreds of teddy bears to take to
a school in Birmingham. They were struck by a deadly F5 tornado.
Tanna Konemann went with me along with Michael Kidd. It was a long drive
but well worth it. I will never forget the damage I witnessed in that
community. Incredible destruction.
THE TEDDY BEAR STORY - METROPOLIS PLANET
THE TEDDY BEAR TRUCK ARRIVES
PASTOR KEPLINGER WITH SOME BEARS
CHILDREN WITH TEDDY BEARS
BOY WITH HIS TEDDY BEAR
THANK YOU LETTER FROM ONE BOY WHO LOST HIS HOME
Friday, May 9th, 2003
More tornado
outbreaks have hit the Central United States. This is turning into a
huge disaster. A record event. Hundreds of tornadoes have
touched down. It appears the outbreak will continue into the weekend.
I believe Illinois is going to be hit hard, again in the coming days.
This is an extremely stormy pattern.
I am putting together
informational packets for the churches and schools in Massac County. The
information will be full of information for parents on how to help their children cope after the
disaster. I will fax the information to Pastor Keplinger who will then distribute
it.
Pastor Keplinger has been in touch with different schools, churches, and organizations. He is going to make sure that the information gets into the proper hands. We will reach thousands of families this way. At least the parents and teachers will have yet another resource to pull from. The information we are sending to these counties includes instructions on how to talk to kids after a disaster. It also will have information on post traumatic stress disorder.
Doug returned home today. He has been away on a trip. I missed him while he was gone. We have grown close over the last few years. Not having him with me during this time period has been difficult.
When he got home I showed him the pictures of the tornado damage. I showed him how bad it was. I had tears in my eyes as I explained to him how many people had been impacted by the storm. He didn't cry, but I could tell he wanted to. He held it back. He looked at my bedroom wall - he looked at the map - the photos. He saw how it was impacting me. I could tell that it impacted him deeply. He felt my pain. He knew a lot of people were also hurting. Some of them my neighbors.
These are difficult
days for everyone.
Saturday, May 10th, 2003
I continue to get
more information about the extent of the damage in Massac County. It appears
to be an F4 or F5 tornado that hit the region. Damage is severe in many
areas, numerous homes have been destroyed. The tornado struck within one
mile of our old farm place. Many of our friends and neighbors have
extensive damage. Three people have been killed by the storm. Many
more have been injured. I am hearing reports from Head Start that some houses
were swept clean, nothing left except for the concrete foundations. Some
forests have been turned into what looks like toothpicks. The Mermet Lake area has extensive
damage. This is close to where I used to live - a few miles away.
There is a story about one boy who lost his father. The young boy had his arms broken. I understand that his mother survived. They were in the basement of their home when the tornado hit. They did everything right. It didn't matter. Thoughts go out to this family. I can't even begin to imagine what it has to be like to go through something like this.
Sunday, May 11th, 2003
May 11th 2003 - We celebrated my
birthday today. WOW it was amazing. Doug, Erick, Keri, Dru, Andrew, Bryen
and his friend, Norman and David were all there. They decorated the
downstairs - we grilled steaks and had a lot of food. Everyone then went
to see Lion King - the Broadway show. It was AMAZING!!!!! I loved
it! After the Lion King we all went back to the house. I opened
gifts from everyone. It was one of the best birthday parties I have had
since I was a kid. It was a nice break from the last few days.
When I blew out my candles, I wished for one thing and one thing only. Freedom. :)
Photo of my birthday cake (which Norman brought)
I was sick most of the night before. The stress is taking a toll on me. I can feel that there are big decisions coming and that my life is about to change. It is time.
I knew, however, that I was going to tell Doug, David and Norman that I was going to soon be turning myself into those who are looking for me in Alabama. I waited till the end of the night to tell them though. I have known since the tornado hit, but felt I should wait till after the weekend to tell them. I could no longer be away from my family like this. I have to go home. I have to be able to go freely. I need this to end. My life is held back by a mistake I made years ago - now is the time to bring this end and began a new chapter in my life. I will be steadfast. I will be determined and I will see this to an end no matter what the consequences.
My life spiraled out of control back in the late 1990s and I never recovered. I had several suicide attempts. I was as depressed as a person could be. I had lost everything and was even living in a tent for a few months. Those were difficult days. I made a lot of poor decisions. Bad choices. I got into trouble with drinking and drugs. I hung out with the wrong crowd and allowed myself to get sucked into a world that should never be visited. The underground. As deep as you could go. With substance abuse and depression making for a deadly combination. How I ever survived to this point - I do not know. All I know is that now I need to make a wrong, right. I have taken care of those who I promised to protect. By leaving the United States and avoiding having to testify against others, I feel like I kept my word. It is what I promised. It was a tremendous sacrifice - giving up my freedom. I did it for the right reasons and I did it for the wrong reasons. In the end I did it for the person I loved and for myself. But now I need to take care of me - so I can help myself. So I can find healing. Let go. I need to find my own freedom now.
I will do the right thing and I will make it through this. I told David and Doug that I knew in my heart that all of this would turn out ok. That all of this would work out. I knew that taking these steps forward was the right thing. I can feel it in my heart. I just know. I used to have a friend that always told me to follow your spirit. Your spirit will never lead you wrong. So that is what I am doing - I don't make this decision without a lot of thought. Without weighing the costs.
David sat with me on the couch and I could tell he thought I was making some fast decisions and perhaps the wrong ones. I think he fears what is going to happen. I told him, though, that I already know how this will end. I have faith. I have been promised this...in my spirit. Some things in life can't be explained. This is one of them. I will walk this path on nothing more than faith. I will make it to the other side. This journey will not end in tragedy. This journey will not end in defeat. I will overcome these problems that have caused me so much grief in my life.
Monday, May 19th, 2003
I went up in a helicopter today David, Doug, Erick, and myself. We
left from Downtown Toronto and headed for Niagara Falls. It was AWESOME!
The ride lasted about two hours. I had a blast and took a lot of
photographs. I am really starting to love photography. Perhaps one
day I will be better at it!
View of the City of Toronto from the copter
Photos of Doug, Erick, and myself by the copter and in the copter
David got the helicopter ride for us. It was a birthday present. A wonderful present. David is one of the most amazing people I have met. One of many I have met in Canada, actually. I am surrounded by angers. Nothing less. People who care about me and who let me just be me. I am loved by friends who understand that which causes me so much pain.
May 20th - June 9th
Spent a lot of time packing today, going through all of my stuff and trying to
figure out what I want to take with me when I leave. It won't be
easy leaving all of this behind. I know that things are going to work
out though. My biggest fear is not being able to come back. Losing
my friends. I love these people here in Toronto. They have been my
family for so long. They have taken care of me. They have wiped my
tears away. We have laughed together. We have been through so many
trials. But I know I need to take these steps. I know that I will
come out of this a better person.
Monday, June 9th, 2003
Spent today packing and packing and
then packing some more. The evening was spent with Norman - we watched television and
hung out for awhile. That is what we do for fun. I am going to miss Norman and I am sure he is going
to miss me. I will keep in touch though and I will see him at my court
date hopefully. I am sure he will come to support me. Perhaps to be
an advocate on my behalf. I saved Norman's life and then he saved mine.
We have an incredible history together. Neither of us is a perfect
person...but we try.
Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
My last day in Toronto. It was sad leaving everyone. Keri and
Erick helped me pack some boxes to mail to my sister in Paducah, Kentucky.
In the evening I finished packing and we went out to eat. It was a really
difficult evening, especially for Doug. I think he believes that I won't be
back. I am trying to be strong. I am trying not to cry. I am trying not
to show emotions. It is the only way I can move forward with this. It is
the only way I can stay the course. It is hard. There are few words
to describe how everyone feels. I am excited though. I am anxious. I am
nervous. I am happy. I am sad. It is what I call a Beautiful Sadness.
Beautiful sadness means that everything is extreme. There is sadness on one hand and happiness on the other. This makes something beautiful but yet sad. A flower growing in the midst of rubble.
They say that people have soundtracks in their head. Songs that remind them of who they are. Where they are going. There are several songs that have gotten me through the last few years. Sarah Mclachlan - Angel, Unspeakable Joy - Kim English, and Rise Up also by Kim English. I bet I have listened to those songs several hundred times. They give me strength and hope. Strength is what I need right now. Somehow I need to get through my own personal storm in order to help others through theirs. In order to help me.
Packing my boxes for Mail Box Etc.
Keri and me outside of Mail Box Etc.
A sad day in Toronto
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
I left
Canada today for the USA. We traveled across the border in Detroit,
Michigan. I thought this would be the safest place to cross. We then took an airplane from Detroit to Birmingham,
Alabama. It was sad leaving but I was determined to do what I felt was
best for me, for my family and for my friends. I had to leave behind
Camelot. Not knowing what the future might hold, not knowing when I would
see my closest friends again. My band of brothers. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring. It all reminded
me of leaving the USA for Mexico back in June of 2000. This time though, I
knew I had friends that would still be there when I got back. I had family waiting on me
in America and
I knew in my heart that everything was going to work out. My faith has
gotten me this far and it will get me through whatever might lie ahead. I
am confident that I have made the right decisions. I am certain that I am on the right
path. I know that I can make it through the rain - and there will be a rainbow
at the end of this chapter, this journey. So let it rain - let it
lightning - let it thunder - let the clouds roll in, because after it is
through the sun is going to shine and a rainbow is going to appear and this
chapter of my life will come to an end. This is a new beginning.
This is part of my journey that I must travel.
A flag greets us at the border - I am
about to
rejoin my country.
Our Airplane to Birmingham, Alabama
Thursday June 12th, 2003
Today is the
day that I turn myself in. It will soon be over. There is a national
war on drugs. I fought my own war on drugs and this system. I am turning myself in to the Birmingham, Alabama
police department. It will be one of the hardest yet easiest things I have
ever had to do. I am determined to see this to closure. I am
confident that I am doing the right thing. I know that this day has been
in the making for over three years now - even longer. I am happy and I
have peace of mind. I am happy that
an end is finally approaching. The journey that has brought me to this
point has been an incredible one. I sometimes wonder how I am still
alive, how I ever made it through all of the storms that normally would have sunk
the strongest of ships. My faith, my friends, and my family got
me through this. I know there is a reason for everything in life.
There is a reason I went through all of this. There is a purpose in what has
happened. I
believe in my heart that this story will be used to help other people. I
have been through the fires of hell and I have survived. I am a better
person for it. I have learned too much about myself and about this
world. Certainly I am sorry for the pain that I have caused so many people
around me, but I have no regrets. I would not be the person I am
today had I not gone through all of this. Something had to
happen to me back in 2000 because the path I was on was one of addiction.
Self destruction. Depression. Had I not been caught with my friends who knows what would have happened to
me. I doubt I would have survived. Many times I almost didn't
survive.
The person I am today may still struggle with depression and may still fight battles against the pain of the past but I know that I am stronger than I used to be. The person I am today is refined by the fire that I had to walk through. I am right where I am supposed to be. I am my own person. I will make my own way. And I will continue to change the world around me! I will continue to change me.
Photo of Brett (my
attorney)...Kristy (his secretary) and me in Brett's Office
Photo of my friend Kristy in Brett's Office in
Birmingham, Alabama
I met with Jim Henderson at Brett Bloomston's Office (Brett is my attorney). Jim has been looking for me since I first fled the United States for Mexico - back in 2000. He had all kinds of thoughts about who I was. What I was involved with. How high up the chain I was. I think in the end that perhaps he was a little disappointed. I think I had become more of a legend in the minds of some people...than I actually was. To some I was a folk hero...running from those who fight an unjust and just war. To others I was simply a number - a criminal. I never thought I was either. I was just being me...at that time in my life. Escaping as I now call it. Trying to run from myself...my feelings and emotions. Trying to extinguish a fire that had engulfed me years ago. Unsuccessfully.
Jim met with me, along with several other undercover officers, and they asked me some questions. They asked me what I was willing to do for them. They asked me about drug dealers and people that I had met when I was in Atlanta. They wanted to know who the "higher ups" were along the chain.
A lot of the people I used to hang out with have either died, been killed, or are out of the scene. They no longer could or would be useful to the police. It was years ago. People have changed or moved on. I don't think I was much help to the police. In the end Jim put me in his car and drove me to the police station. He put his handcuffs on me and led me into the station. I think he wanted to be the one to say that he caught me. One more person that his cuffs carried.
Turning myself in was a big
relief. When I did this I felt like the weight of ten thousand worlds
had been taken off my shoulders. I knew in my heart that I was a good
person and that I had simply made a lot of bad mistakes during a time in my
life that was extremely dark and vulnerable. In my mind the people who
hurt me, who caused me to never be free from the nightmares - they are the
one that should be in jail. They are the ones that should be chased
and punished. But in the end these were my choices that led me to this
day. A small segment of my life that I went astray. One page in
my life's journey.
I turned myself in around 4 pm in the evening. I was booked at the
Birmingham Jail and had to post a $10,000 bond to be released. I was in
jail for about four hours. Jail is never fun. It isn't a place you
want to be.
I can remember the first time we were arrested in Birmingham back in 2000. We were getting ready to celebrate my birthday. There was a large circuit party underway. We were going to meet our friends - DJs at the clubs. There was going to be a big celebration. It was me and a number of friends. We had several hotel rooms. It was late in the evening and we were just getting ready to leave for the party. All of us were either high or had been drinking. Some didn't drink. Their choice was other drugs. All the same though...chemicals that you put in your body to loosen you up or change your space.
There was a knock at the door. I went to answer it. Immediately guns were drawn by DEA, FBI, ABI, local police, sheriffs departments, ATF, and others that I didn't recognize. It was a full fledge raid. They pushed me aside and continued into the hotel room...down the small hall. I can remember just dazing out. Not really hearing anything but yelling...get against the wall - put your hands against the wall.
I walked into the room and someone just pushed me towards the wall. We all stood there. More than 10 of us. Cops yelling and looking around. Checking for any weapons or whatever else they could find. I was out of it. High on ecstasy and Ketamine. My escape. My mind didn't know where to go next. I cried. I thought my life was over. I grabbed onto one of my bears that was sitting on the tv. I don't know why. I guess it was just something in my mind that made me want to hold something - anything. A piece of me. The next thing I remember is a cop shouting at me. Yelling for me to get against the wall. Grabbing me and pushing me into the wall. He thought I was grabbing a gun or something. I am thankful he didn't shoot me.
They asked everyone their names and their ages. They wrote it all down. Then they searched everyone to see if anyone had anything on them. Several of us did and were placed under arrest. This was the beginning of my nightmare. I say the beginning but it really was simply another chapter of several years of problems and battles - struggles.
At the station it was dirty. It was terrible. We couldn't talk to one another. We simply had to stay quiet. I told Ricky not to say anything. Not to give them any information. We made our phone calls.
At about 11 PM they took me to a cell and put me in isolation. I didn't know if I would see tomorrow. I was trying to figure out a way to end it all. These are the thoughts that one thinks about when in jail...in Alabama.
Around 3 AM there was a buzzer in my room. Someone had bailed me out. They posted the $10,000 cash. A bail bondsman met me outside, along with two friends. I was so glad to be free. Unfortunately that freedom wouldn't last for long. I had to get Ricky out and we had to figure out what to do.
In the end our friends told us that we were in over our heads. Too many people were going to go down if we didn't leave. I got a lawyer and asked him what we could do. It didn't look very promising. We just didn't have many choices. I felt our lives were threatened at that point. Someone might try to harm us, because they would believe we would turn others in. It is probably one of the worst places you could be - having other people think that.
I promised Ricky that I would take care of him. I told him that we would leave the country and go to Mexico. I made some photo calls and I tried to figure out who to trust and who not to trust. I was trying to raise cash.
Finally, in the end, we left. Ricky left first, without me. He was too scared. I left a month later and met up with him in southern Mexico. It was difficult not being able to speak the language and figure out how to meet up with him and where.
We had to start over. That is another story in this mess. We couldn't stay in Mexico and we finally made the decision to travel to Canada. To find a way in and then lose ourselves to everyone on the outside world. We knew that we may never see our families again. We could not talk to our friends. We could not make any contact to anyone. It was just going to be us. I would have to carry us through this. I had promised Ricky's mom that I would take care of him. So, I did. As long as I could...I took care of him. There was a lot of pain...emotional and otherwise.
But back to Birmingham, for now. I was just thankful that I was only going to be there this time for a little while. After I got out of jail my good friend Kristy drove David and I back to Brett's Office (my awesome attorney). I felt good about everything. I felt free! :) I can now use my name without fear! I can now see my family. I can be FREE. At least until the court date. There will be a long road ahead, though. The outcome would be uncertain.
David and I went to eat at the Old Mill restaurant, at little five points in Birmingham. It was nice out. Somehow the air seemed just a little bit fresher. It had been storming all day and the rain was nice. There was a severe thunderstorm warning while I was turning myself in. So that was good timing. Sorry, I know I always have to put something in here about the weather. I guess that is just part of who I am! I love meteorology. I have always wanted to be a meteorologist. I should put that into my goals. Back to school.
Now, today is the beginning of
the rest of my life. A new beginning. Well, a new beginning of
sorts. One page turned and one step closer to resolution. There will be long days
and months
ahead. There will be worry and concern over what is next. I know
in my heart though that this will turn out just fine. I am in good
hands. The next step will be entering into the drug treatment program
that the state requires you to join. I will be required to check in
with them. This process will help make sure you are clean and drug
free up until your court date.
Friday, June 13th, 2003
I had to go to TASC today. This is
the Drug Treatment Program. Everyone who has been arrested must check in
with this agency. They screen you, ask you a bunch of questions, then
tell you that you have to be drug tested to make sure that you are clean.
This will happen 2 or 3 times per month.
It was sort of interesting because about half-way through my interview the lady stopped and said "OK, what is the deal. You do not fit the normal profile for someone who comes into this office. What happened to you and why are you here". So I spent the next 30 minutes giving her the Reader's Digest version of my life. She listened and said that she was very happy that I had made it from point A to B. She said that she knew everything would be okay. She was inspired by the story. It made me happy to at least know that she cared and that she saw there was more to this story than just another face in front of her to fill paperwork out for.
It did make me feel better to know that she seemed to care. It reminded me of where I used to be. Where I should be. Working at the youth center, church, teaching Sunday school, working in the community. Doing the right things. Before everything went off the track. I never thought I would be in this position. I ran the Just Say No Club. How could I have fallen so far in such a short amount of time. I should be the one on the other side of the desk asking some young person the same questions she was asking me. I was living in a world turned upside down.
In the end, I have always
believed that one should not have regrets. Bad choices are learning
experiences. Bad choices help us grow. Become better people.
I have learned more in the last few years than I have my entire life.
What is that worth to me? Is this what it took for me to have more
compassion on others who have addictions? What value can I place on
experiences? You can't. They are priceless. Whether they
almost killed me several times over...I have learned a lot. Have I
changed? Yes. Do I still have to confront these addictions?
Yes. Of course I do. They don't and won't just magically
disappear. They are not driven my circumstance as much as biology.
I have a long and difficult battle ahead of me.
We left Birmingham and David and I drove to Massac County,
Illinois (long drive) to see my mother and
grandmother. We were able to see some of the tornado damage as we drove
through the middle of the county. We looked to the left and right along Interstate 24
and saw what looked like trees that had been run over with a lawn mower.
It was a sad sight for me as this was my old stomping grounds where I grew up.
I have to admit that I had a few tears in my eyes, as I viewed the
destruction.
We traveled a few more miles and as we were heading towards my old home
place we passed by several of my neighbors farms. One of them that used
to sit on a small hill was completely gone. All that was left was the
concrete slab where the house used to sit.
Finally, we passed the old hill that I used to live on. The farm. I miss that place. I know that I can never go back there but I have to admit that I dream about it all the time. I dream about running around the fields. Playing in the hay loft. Watching the fireflies flicker in the tall grass. Snow! A lot of firsts happened up on that hill. The good and the bad. Memories. Lot of memories.
It was all very surreal.
We then arrived in Metropolis.
This is the first time I have been back in the area in over three years.
We met with my mother and grandmother for about an hour or two. Everyone
was very happy to see each other. My mother had located several boxes of
photographs and Boy Scout badges and medals that belonged to me. I was
thrilled to see all of this, it all brought back a lot of memories!
My mothers apartment
First pictures with my grandmother when we
arrived
First pictures of my mother when we arrived
Saturday, June 14th, 2003
On Saturday the whole family went to the Superman Celebration in
Metropolis. Mariah (my younger niece - my sister Dione's child) and I rode some rides. I about
got sick :) a bit too much sun and a bit too much spinning around on the faster
rides. Mariah, however, was wanting to ride more! We opted to go eat
instead and had lunch at a Mexican restaurant.
My mother, grandmother, Mariah, Dione (my sister), Jeremy (her husband) and David and I then parted ways and we all went and did our own thing. It was a great first full day back in my hometown!!!
Here are some photos of David, Mariah, mother and myself at
the Superman Statue
The long awaited Superman Photo
Mariah and me riding the spinnnnning rides at the Superman Celebration
The city is well protected :)
My grandmother and me at
the Superman Celebration
Saturday evening we went to Downtown Paducah. We walked around the Paducah Summer Festival that is held every Saturday Night. Mariah decided to do a dance with the line dancers! That was entertaining!
I have missed the kids so much over
the last few years. I have often wondered what they knew, what they
remembered, how badly it all impacted them when I disappeared. I wish I
could take away that pain. I wish I could take away the hurt that I
brought to them. I know I can't though. All I can do is be there for
them now. I care about each one of them like they were my own. I
know it was hard on them. It was hard on all of us.
Sunday, May 15th - Through
Wednesday, June 18th
Lots to do! Who knew it would be so much drama trying to get a bank
account, a drivers license and anything and everything else! Thankfully
David was here to help. Since 9/11 all the rules have changed and it is
virtually impossible to do anything without a drivers license or a State ID
card. I was not able to get either because I needed a new Social
Security Card. It was a circle trying to get anything done.
Everywhere we went they wanted something different. In finally ended up in
Harrisburg, Illinois at the Social Security Office. I applied for a new
card and they told me it would be 7-10 days before it would arrive!
We went to look at cars and SUVS on Tuesday and Wednesday. I finally
settled on a black Honda Pilot. They have to bring it in from Ohio
though. It will be here by the end of the week. I can't pick it up
though until I have my drivers license :) So patience will be in
order! I am VERY excited though to finally be able to drive again!
The freedom that will bring will be nice. I can't wait. Now I can
go storm chasing! Now I can travel on my own. I can go see family
and friends. I can have a "normal" life. It has been years since I
have been behind the wheel of my own car. Since 2000...when I left Atlanta
and Birmingham for Mexico.
With the thought of having to spend two months here in Paducah I decided it would be easier on the family if I got my own place. Dione, David, and myself walked around the downtown area trying to find some apartments. We finally found three or four and along with Mariah took a tour of each.
I finally settled on the Fox Briar Inn. A nice little
Bed & Breakfast sitting above an Ice Cream Parlor and some restaurants in
Downtown Paducah. I overlook the Paducah Flood Wall and the Ohio
River. You can see the American Queen and the Mississippi Queen Riverboats
as they dock right at the foot of Broadway. You can see all of this from
my window.
On Wednesday Night the entire family except for my dad and step mom when out to
eat at the Texas Roadhouse Restaurant. I had steak, of course. :) The kids had
a blast as they got to sit at a table by themselves!
Grandmother, mother, and me
The whole family together again! Reunited after three years apart.
Danielle and me
Tyler and me! One happy kid and uncle!
Dione and Jeremy at Texas Roadhouse
Dylan, Tyler, Mariah, and
Danielle
Mother, Grandmother and me at Whalers Catch Restaurant in Paducah.
Grandmother and me at Whalers
Catch Restaurant
Thursday, June 19th, 2003
I was so nervous today. I am meeting with Carol one of my friends from
Metropolis. Her children used to be very close to me. I know they
have been hurt by me disappearing years ago. It will be hard to see her. I am
wondering what Bobby and Tabatha, two of her kids, will think about all of
it. They are now 15 and 16 years old. I will do my best to explain
and I will ask them to forgive me for what I did.
I called Carol and told her we should meet for dinner.
She was glad to hear from me and said she did not know what the kids reactions
would be.
Carol and I met and after talking she asked me to return with her to the house
and see Bobby and Tabatha.
I was very nervous and at the same time very sad knowing that Bobby and Tabatha had been hurt by me.
Bobby met me at the door and looked stunned to see me. He and I were
both very nervous and didn't know what to say.
I told Tabatha and Bobby what had happened and what led up to all of it.
The first words Bobby said to me after I stopped talking were "I forgive
you"
I just cried hearing those words. Knowing the pain and anguish that I
caused him.
He took me off guard the way he said it.
I don't know how many of you know how it feels to be forgiven of something that
you do not deserve to be forgiven of. It is a wonderful feeling.
Bobby told me that to this day he sleeps with his teddy bear, that I gave him
when he was TWO YEARS OLD, every night.
I showed Bobby the photos of Cheetah, the ski picture with cheetah on
skis, Cheetah at the house, at the cottage, Cheetah dressed in the Christmas
outfit. I told Bobby that I understood about his teddy bear.
I told Bobby and Tabatha that I had some bears for them in the car.
Bobby said he had read in the newspaper about someone sending 1200 bears to the
kids in Massac County.
I asked Bobby who he thought did that. :)
Tonight was one of those nights that I have waited for for a very long time. It was an emotional reunion of four people that care about each other.
Friday, June 20th, 2003
Today we had to go to the drug testing clinic. This was the second time
this week. Of course since I am clean it is no big deal just something I
have to do for awhile. We arrived there at 10 am. After that I
headed for the Head Start Center in Joppa, Illinois. This was the first
time I have been at the center since 1999. Sondra met David and I at
the door and took us on a nice tour of the place. It has changed a lot
since I worked there. Sondra said that the kids loved the Teddy
Bears. Here is a photo of some of the bears arriving at the Head Start
Center.
Teddy Bears Arrive At Head Start
David and I then took an aerial tour of the tornado damage in Pulaski and Massac County. It was amazing to see just how much damage there was to the trees along the path of the tornado. This photograph from Mermet Lake, Illinois shows hundreds if not thousands of trees fallen. They fell in every direction imaginable.
David then talked with me for awhile and we talked about what might lie ahead. A lot of uncertainty and a lot of unknowns. I assured David though that I would be fine through all of this and I was feeling good about the decisions we have made so far. I am happy with what I am seeing and hearing from everyone involved. I am confident that everything is going to work out for the best. There is a plan and it is not in our hands. This we know. I tried to tell David that I absolutely knew in my heart that this was all going to work out. I had been assured that. That little voice inside of me. It never fails! Just listening is all it takes.
David had to return home. I am going to miss him greatly. He has been such an inspiration to me. He has taken care of me, along with my other friends. They have helped me get through many storms. But now it is my turn to walk. It is my turn to take care of myself. I know there will be struggles and I know that I probably will mess up from time to time but at the end of the day I hope to come out of this a better person. A stronger person. And perhaps one day I can help inspire others to find the strength within themselves to better themselves. To pick up the pieces of their life and start over. It can be done!
Saturday, June 21st, 2003
Woke up this morning at 10 am and decided it would be a GREAT day for photography.
I went to take some photos out the window here in the living room and raised the window. Before I could put something under it so it would not fall - it fell. It caught my arm when it shattered and nicked me. Thankfully it was not any closer than it was otherwise it would not have been a good day for photos :) Anyway with glass everywhere below me I decided it was best to take photos elsewhere!
I headed for the Riverfront where there was lots of action.
This is the floodwall below my apartment.
It is a few
hundred feet to my north. It is behind the flag pole which at night is lit up
nicely.
Flag outside my apartment window
Photo of the American Queen as it was docked below the floodwall
Another Photo of the American
Queen
Another Photo of the American Queen
Front View of my apartment
MY APARTMENT
Ok let me take you on a tour now of where I live. I know that it makes it easier if everyone can see where I
am and what my world looks like right now. So here goes - click on each
of the links to see the photos of my place.
The Fox Briar Inn - Paducah, Kentucky
As you first enter my apartment this is the doorway...entrance. You then can immediately see my Bedroom through two large open doors...to the side is a laundry room. Another shot of my bedroom. There is also a Sitting Area in my room. You then go through another doorway and you enter into the Bathroom. As you enter the front door you can also (instead of going into my bedroom) go down a long Hallway. This hallway takes you into the Kitchen and finally the Living Room. I also have a Computer Work Area. I have a Giraffe in the corner by the computer desk (just like home). I also have a lamp with a Monkey on it :)
On Saturday Evening I went out to Broadway Street (in front of my apartment) and checked out the Paducah Festival that is held every Saturday Night. There was a lot of dancing and food. It was fun just walking around and seeing everything.
Cheetah (my Wilson in Toronto) went out as well and decided to get his picture drawn by this guy out on Broadway Street.
Here is his drawing of Cheetah
Broadway Street...Motorbikes Flag
Horse and Buggy that goes by my window all the time
Street Festival - Giant Rave Balloon
After I went to the festival I stopped into a little bookstore. I looked around for awhile and just as I was leaving I noticed a little box on the floor behind the doorway. It contained an assortment of artists prints. The last one in the stack was a print of a little child holding a teddy bear while looking out the window. I was drawn to the print for several reasons. One being the fact that the child was holding a teddy bear...and the second reason because of the expression on the childs face as he looked out the window. You could tell that he was waiting for something...but what? I walked away then walked back and looked again. I could not get the image of this childs face out of my mind. I was trying to figure out what he was thinking.
I left the store and went back to my apartment. After a little while I walked back down to the store and noticed that they had the same picture framed hanging up high on the wall. I asked the women how much it was...and she priced it and then told me I could have it for a bit less than that. I told her I wanted the painting.
We got the painting down and she told me the following.
"That painting has a lot of meaning to me. I will miss it hanging there. My cousin painted that and he lives in Colorado. There is a story behind this painting." I asked her what the story was. She told me "The little boy that you see sitting there holding a teddy bear was a friend of my cousins. The boy has leukemia. His name is Jeffrey. He is waiting for his next treatment. Jeffrey would sit at this window many hours...just looking out and dreaming of the day that he would not have to have these treatments. The teddy bear that you see there in his arms was his protection. The little boy always had his bear with him as it made him feel secure. And the angels you see behind him in the painting...well we just know that they were there the whole time."
I paused...and we looked at the painting. And then I told her the story about the Birmingham, Alabama Tornado and the teddy bears and then I told her about the teddy bears we sent to Massac County. She said that she thought that was the nicest thing to do. We both commented on how teddy bears seem to bring a sense of security to children in times when they most need it.
Here is The Teddy Bear
Painting
How many times this week have I heard stories about Teddy
Bears?
Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
Went to see my dad and Debby today. Dione, Jeremy and Mariah went
along. We talked for awhile. I have never been to his new
place. He lives about a quarter of a mile north of Veaches. One of
the tornadoes was 2 miles north of his house. Dione drove me up there and
checked the odometer to see how far it was. There was another tornado
about 4 miles north of him then the main tornado several miles north of there.
Lot of tornadoes.
When I got back home I worked on my web page. My friend Dru sent me a video from the Sarah Mclachlan concert. It is a video of her singing Angel. :) That made my day!
Here is a photo of her singing Angel last night - taken by my friend Dru
Monday, June 23rd, 2003
Woke up at 7 am this morning and got ready to go to Venture River.
This is an amusement park in Western Kentucky.
Mariah, Danielle, Tyler, Grandmother, Mother, Deena and Myself all packed
into the van and got there around 10 am! It was HOT :) 90 degrees - but we
did manage to find some shade and park ourselves under it.
Tyler played in the kiddy pool for hours! Riding the Sea Serpent. The rest of us floated around on the intertubes and laid out in the sun! I think I might have gotten a tan.
Grandmother had a good time just watching everyone.
When I got home Doug called. He had to update me on the latest "Toronto Happenings" No real drama at this time -Pinky has been running around with Mrs. Bobbins (not sure what is up with that). Also the painters have not called him yet. Perhaps we scared them off or I should say I scared them off after our last meeting! Also got a "plant" update. The dead plants outside of the house have been removed and disposed of! Now perhaps they will come and put some new plants in? Will update this further as I get information.. (would be nice if SOMEONE up there would send me some photos of then new plants out back????? HINT HINT
BREAKING NEWS: My Social Security Card has arrived in the mail! This means I can go and try and get my Drivers License tomorrow afternoon!! I am excited about that. This will be my first USA license since 1999. I will FINALLY be able to legally drive again!!!! OK, well I guess I should study for the test? LOL - I think I know the book forwards and backwards. I also have to take a driving test with an instructor. I am sure that will be lots of fun.
Ok well here are some photos from today. ENJOY
Grandmother Blanche Verbarg, Tyler Crouch, and me
Diva Grandmother!
Grandmother and me! I love her more than anything in the world.
She is a perfect Rose.
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
Well I have waited on this day for a VERY LONG
time! After nearly four years I am now officially - legally able to get
behind the wheel of a car and DRIVE!! I now also "exist" lol and
can open a bank account and get a US Passport!
What else can I say - today went GREAT! I only missed 2 questions on the test.
Now I await my vehicle, which is having fog lights put on. Perhaps by Thursday or Friday I will be driving!
Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
Long day. Day started out at 7 am and ended at midnight! I
met with Pastor Keplinger early in the morning concerning some tornado projects
we are working on. After meeting with him I met up with my friend John
Logeman. We went out to eat at Montegos and then John took me on a tour of
some of the tornado damage in Northeast Massac County. We drove through
some of the worst hit areas in that part of the county. Several places
where there used to be houses no longer have houses.
John also took me on a tour of his church and we stopped by my old grade school. Jefferson School! I was able to see the new computer center that the school built. It was nice.
After all of that I went with Pastor Keplinger to the Church of the Nazarene for evening services.
I met up with April Reed there and she invited me over to spend the evening with her and my friend Tommy Reed. Tommy and I go WAY back. I met Tommy when he was in Junior High. He was a mess back then. He has become a wonderful young man though. Him and April seem so happy. I am proud of both of them.
We had fun catching up on everything and they are both doing great! They have two kids now. Imagine that!
Some of the photos from today
Me at Jefferson
School
Church of the Nazarene
Tommy, April, and Me
Tommy and Aprils Children
Tommy and April Reed and their children.
So all in all a good day - very busy. I am supposed to pick up my SUV on Friday at least that is what he said. I hope that is right because I need to be able to get around without bugging everyone for a ride.
Supposed to be stormy down here later tonight and tomorrow. Perhaps a few severe storms mainly heavy rain though. This area seems to be a magnet for storms the last few years. Looks like that isn't going to change this year.
Looks like a nice weekend coming though.
Thursday, June 26th, 2003
***NEWS***COURT DATE HAS BEEN
SET***NEWS***
I have just received an email from
Kristy in Birmingham. The first court appearance has been set for July 11th,
2003 at 8:30 a.m. This will be where we enter a "not
guilty" plea. It is the second court date where we will actually deal
with the sentencing. I will attend the first court date by myself.
Today was spent working on tornado projects. Pastor Keplinger and I met with Julie Kohn, Danny Kohn's mother. This is the 8 year old (just turned 8) boy who lost his father in the tornado.
The story of this little boy and his father is heroic as the father protected his son while a chimney fell on him. The chimney killed the father while the son had both his arms broken. Julie, his mother, survived the storm with bruises and scratches.
We met with the mother for about 30 minutes and discussed how things are going and the progress that he is making.
She said that Danny has been asking for a computer so we are working on seeing what we can do about getting him one.
His mother said that he is staying active and busy and this seems to be helping him cope with everything.
Received two weather radios in the mail
today. Trying to get one for the Head Start Center in Joppa. Not
sure of the range though working on getting it to work properly.
Also was able to catch back up with the Taxi Cab driver who has the 9 year old son who is scared of storms now. Took me a few days to track her back down! Was able to give her the "parent sheet" about tornadoes, an Angel Bear, and an Angel Bear Sheet for her son. She was happy :) to get all of that! This is the cab driver that took me to the mall the other day and started telling me about the storms back in May and how it made her son scared.
Spent the evening with one of my friends from way back when. We went to eat at a Mexican Restaurant over by the mall. Had a great time. Talked until past midnight :) - about time to go to bed now!
Tomorrow I can pick up my vehicle :) Needless to say, I am excited!!!
Friday, June 27th, 2003
Well it is 6 pm and still lots of stuff to do today!
I received an email from a friend and it was about friendship :)
Subject: Making New Friends Count
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was
walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying
all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his
books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends
tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him,
knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the
dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten
feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to
him and as he crawled around
looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his
glasses, I said,
"Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me
and
said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of
those
smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned
out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He
said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all
the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty
cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends.
He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the
more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle
with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious
muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me
half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on
Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends,
that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I
was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the
time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and
speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He
was one of those guys that really found himself during high
school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I
was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was
nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back
and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me
with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is
a
time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your
parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends.
I am
here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you
can give them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first
day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of
how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later
and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little
smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My ! friend saved me from doing the
unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us
all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and
smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's
depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you
can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.!
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble
remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end..
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
I picked my SUV up this morning :) I have dubbed it the
"The Shadow" I picked it up at 10 am! Here are some photos of "The
Shadow".
The Shadow Photo 1
The Shadow Photo 2
It felt very strange to be driving again - let alone actually OWNING a
car!! I was excited and so happy. I just kept smiling
:)
After picking the SUV up I headed for The Learning Tree to pick up a few items for Head Start and for Danny (the 8 year boy that I talked about yesterday).
Danny loves Playmobil toys (if you don't know what
Playmobil toys are you can see one here PlayMobil)
and the one place to get them in Paducah is The Learning Tree. So I went
there and started talking to the owner about their PlayMobil toys. I told
her it was for an 8 year old boy, but I wasn't sure what kind he liked to play
with. She asked me a few more questions then finally I told her that it
was for the little boy over in Massac County that lost his father in the
tornado. She said "you mean Danny" and I said yes Danny. I
then said "I take it you know him?" She said
"yes - Danny and his mother come in here from time to time and this is
where they purchase their Playmobil toys." So we talked for a
bit longer and she said she had been wanting to help out and do something for
Danny. In the end she gave added an extra 25% off whatever he comes in and
picks out. So that was nice! I am sure that Danny will be
thrilled to be able to get his Playmobil toys back. His mother mentioned
it to us yesterday saying that Danny lost all of his in the tornado.
We are also working on putting a computer together to send to Danny. This
should help occupy some of his time. David is helping with this project.
After all of that I had lunch with my mother and grandmother at Crackle Barrel. :) The waitress kept coming up to me and asking me if I wanted to order a dessert. I told her yes and she said she would go back and see what kind of cobbler they had today. She did this four times :) lol - I guess she did not have a very good memory. It was funny by the time she finally did come back it had been about 20 minutes!
I then took my mother and grandmother for a short drive in the new vehicle. They enjoyed that. Grandmother loved the car and promised not to scratch it.
I then took my grandmother on a tour of my apartment. She loved it and kept commenting on how nice it was. I think she might want to move out of mothers and into here. :)
The rest of the afternoon and evening has been spent working on tornado projects.
It has been an amazing week. I was not sure how
things would go once I was alone but it has gone very well. I have had
almost no time to be bored from the time I get up till the time I go to
bed. My spirit is strong and resolved. It has been a week of
happiness, being with my family and a week of sadness talking with those who
lost everything in the tornado. I especially am touched (as I have been
since I first heard the story) by what has happened to Danny Kohn. I am
glad that we are able to help him.
I bought a poster today that says...
"Only Through Freedom Can We
Become Who We Really Are"
I will say - that is the truth and add to it by saying that
"through
being a prisoner we learn who we really are. It is the power of freedom
that then unleashes who you are."
Saturday, June 28th, 2003
Well it is midnight here - LONG day. Started early and finished late! You know I don't believe I have had the television on here more than three times since I arrived! Been too busy :) which is a good thing as Martha would say. :)
Was in class all afternoon and got my certification for CPR and First Aid from the Red Cross :) So that was productive. While I was in class I think my cell phone went off seven times - I had it on vibrate. I believe I was playing phone tag with Doug or David or both!
Today was Normans BIRTHDAY :) SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY NORMAN - IF YOU ARE READING THIS. I WILL AWAIT SOME PHOTOS AND WILL POST ONE :)
Right after that I went to pick up Bobby Vaughn. We went to see the new Hulk Movie! It was cool - lots of action in it. Good movie if you like big green nice monsters. Which, of course, I do.
I have discovered that my battle with depression isn't just going to go away. It is not controlled by my surroundings. It isn't controlled by what is going on today or yesterday. It is something that is inside of me. Of course, I have always known this. I have battled depression since I was a teenager. Before? I don't remember. All I know is that it has been a roller coaster of emotions for years and years and years. I guess the question is what do I do about it.
Anyway - my eyes are tired and I guess I will go to bed! Life is starting to fell like, well - life again.
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
Wanted - One Secretary - must love organized chaos must be willing to work mornings, afternoons, and evenings :) all in one day! Must also be willing to put up with lots of teddy bears.
Well ok this is organized chaos CLICK
HERE
I swear everything has a purpose or is part of a project. :)
Lot of projects going on in association with helping over in Illinois with the tornado damage. So it is a mess. For now at least.
Today went really well - started early running errands. Went book shopping for someone, then had lunch with my mother and grandmother - Mariah also went along :) She had fun eating strawberry pie. She wanted another piece but mother said no :) (she didn't need another piece although grandmother kept trying to give her hers - oh yeah and she kept trying to give me her pickles through the entire meal).
Anyway...to pickle or not to pickle - that is the question. I said no but did try to get Mariah to eat one :) Which is IMPOSSIBLE because for some reason she has a fear of pickles. Strange - yes I know! She probably gets that from her mother. You can decide whether I meant the pickles or the strange part.
Then I came home and tried to get things ready for tomorrow night. Oh didn't I mention :) tomorrow night is a spaghetti dinner here at my place! Should be real exciting and no I am not cooking. I did get the bread though :)
Anyway, let me see if I can post a photo or two from Normans Birthday Party up in Toronto
David, Norman, and Doug
Norman got the balloons I sent him (they are not looking healthy!)
Norman and Doug eating out for his birthday.
Monday, June 30th, 2003
Looks like it might storm today. Nothing severe, just some thunder and lightning perhaps.
I went to Shawnee College this morning working on a scholarship thing in memory of my friend Justin who died several years ago.
After I was finished there I stopped by Danny Kohn's house to drop off the gift certificate for the Learning Railroad. Danny will be able to get his PlayMobil stuff there.
Danny and his grandmother came to the door. I forgot how small eight year olds are :) Danny seems like a really good kid and his grandmother Angie was so sweet. She talked with me for about 20 minutes and gave me a tour of the room that is attached to their her house that they are fixing up for Julie and Danny. It is a large space and nice. Things appear to be coming along nicely for them.
Julie came home while I was there and we talked for a bit. They are going to see fireworks in Chicago this weekend. Both her and Danny were excited about this! She said that she LOVES fireworks! I told her I felt the same way. :) Perhaps Julie and I have a lot in common. I am always looking for new friends. She seems like a gentle spirit. I feel drawn to her. I have a feeling that in some way we will be good for each other. One can never have enough friends!
I am back home now, getting ready to go to the passport office to finish my application. :) I will be very excited to get a U.S. passport - I have never had one before! This will open up the possibilities of traveling abroad. Perhaps one day I can go to London! I know David would like that. It is on the list of life goals. Perhaps Israel or Russia! China? Japan? Australia? AFRICA! Who knows where this journey will take me! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. One day at a time.
Supper tonight here at my place - the family is coming over! Should be fun.
-------
Just got a phone call and I have to be in Birmingham for a meeting on Wednesday. I will be leaving tomorrow. I guess I will be able to experience the remnants of Tropical Storm Bill! :) It is supposed to be passing through Birmingham. A lot of rain!
I have ordered my U.S. Passport and it should be here sometimes in July.
-----------------------
The Spaghetti dinner went GREAT :) Everyone had
fun and I took some really nice photos. My computer card reader won't let me upload
the pictures though - I will wait on my camera equipment to arrive then try again!
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Derek Dodson
Beau Dodson